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This is an important day! I’ve been working on a research project for the past few weeks which I doubt has ever been done before – in fact, I’m pretty sure this is the first. It’s a precognition study, and the results have been astounding. I’ll explain as best I can.

Tomorrow, I’m going to sit down and concentrate really hard, then attempt to ‘broadcast’ telepathically to the global consciousness my deepest desires, asking for precognitive replies via email. Today, I’m posting the results of that experiment, and as you’ll see it’s had (or is that ‘will have’?) interesting results:

(a) Three weeks ago, I received an email from a web design studio from China, which was offering their services to the Daily Grail. As I’ve been under the hammer lately trying to find time for a redesign of the website, this is obviously an answer to that ‘desire’.

(b) Last week, I received an email from Mr Nejad Faeqah, a banker in Dubai, who was offering a ‘confidential business deal’ which would benefit me. My financial prayers were also answered! I have already deposited the $10,000 security deposit required by Mr Faeqah, and am expecting a substantial transfer into my bank account any minute now.

(c) A Miss Sofiar Labo sent me an intimate email wanting to begin a relationship, because – as she said – “Love is the most important in life”. While I am in fact very happily married, I marked this as a partial success because I’m not sure where in the timeline of my life this telepathic request may have reached Miss Labo from. Obviously telepathic, but was it precognitive? Hard to say.

d) An email from ‘Pharyngulite Phorever’ (a pseudonym) describes me as a “crazy f**kwad woo woo”, and offers his hope that “the non-existent grey aliens do land in [my] backyard, and rectally probe [me] with the rough end of a pineapple.” This one is just plain spooky. Unbelievably strong positive evidence!

So what do you think? Is my experimental protocol watertight? Or am I just a gullible fool? Look forward to your suggestions and criticisms.

Update: Yes, I am so very lame as to post an April Fool joke here on TDG. Consider it a morality tale, a parable if you will. Speaking of – it would be interesting to know if any Bible stories were written on April 1…

Previously on TDG: