I am the voice that rumbles beyond the clouds; the angel called Earl; the mystic entity that puffs the lonely wind (not flatulence); I am the scribe of the commandments. So there, you know who I am. No, I don't have an e-mail address. I have viewed the world I created and those little creatures that swarm over the surface of this place, and have considered calling Clark. No, not Clark Kent; "Clark, we need you!" Perhaps I have over created for there are lawyers among the many.

First, I wrote 30 commandments and discovered two problems immediately, Moses couldn't read and he was no weightlifter. True, I had to write them on a rock because Moses forgot to bring neither paper nor pencil. He was not a good student. Then he dropped them and broke my words into many pieces. I had not backed up my thesis and could not remember them all, so he got ten; it was all he could handle. Besides, he broke them, so I made him carve the words on the second set. I have often speculated that he snuck something in there, which is why there are lawyers.

I remember a few that were left behind; yes, thou shalt not eat Twinkies from the 7/11; thou shalt not smoke after sex and you are instructed to snuggle and say huggy-pooh things; I didn't use the word "covet" and I have no idea what it means, coulda been a typo (as in cover - think about it); Thou shalt not pull your pud more than once per day and I don't care about prostate health; Thou shalt change your underwear once each day, you never know if you're going to be in an accident (I think that one came from Mom, yes, I have one of those, we were Jewish, ya know).

Many have wondered why I was on the mountain top and not down in the valley for everyone to witness; the answer came from my caring soul, Moses was getting fat so I made him climb the mountain a bunch of times. It didn't work, he always carried a large picnic basket, ate all of the contents and used the basket to carry the stone upon which I had scribed those magnificent words. He had wheels on the basket.

I have always wondered where those poor former slaves of the Egyptians came up with all that gold to make those idols that Moses flipped out over. Me thinks there was some skullduggery going on.

But there was manna all around the mountain so they hung around for about forty years. You would think they'd get tired of the stuff. Matzo balls, a lawyer changed the name. Boy, I sure got tired of making those things. Shoulda made a commandment about 'em. They were fattening, and Charleton Heston didn't look like Moses. Moses never exercised a day in his life, and he didn't shave or use deodorant. This was the beginning of Welfare, an institution that has survived the resistance of time and Republicans.

Hold on, the phone is ringing! "Yes, this is the mystical being that nobody has ever seen." "Uh huh, all of 'em". "Thanks Clark!"

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