Confronting Anger

I wanted to learn more about anger and fear, I set about reading and gleaning that information, as much as I could, from books, from people in the know and from the internet. There are many types of anger and in all I found ten that pretty well cover the gamut of these types.

This has been no small feat, scouring my resources, prying into minds to elicite answers. I fall into the very first catagory which is the anger avoider. The perpetual door-mat, it took a long time for me to pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off and gain perspective. Learning what boundaries were and implementing them. Hey, better late than never. This journey of much cost and many decades, I give free and willingly for everyone to learn from.

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Full article
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/c...
Anger Issues and Types of Anger
by Katy Marcus, M.A.
Excerpt -

Anger Avoidance:
These people don't like anger much. Some are afraid of their anger, or the anger of others. It can be scary and they are afraid to lose control if they get mad. Some think it's bad to become angry. Anger avoiders gain the sense that being good or nice helps them feel safe and calm.

They have problems, though. Anger can help you to survive when something is wrong. Avoiders can't be assertive, because they feel too guilty when they say what they want. Too often the result is that they are walked over by others.

Sneaky Anger:
Anger Sneaks never let others know they are angry. Sometimes, they don't even know how angry they are. But the anger comes out in other forms, such as forgetting things a lot, or saying they'll do something, but never intending to follow through. Or, they sit around and frustrate everybody and their families. Anger Sneaks can look hurt and innocent and often ask, "Why are you gettting mad at me?" They gain a sense of control over their lives when they frustrate others. By doing little or nothing, or putting things off, they thwart other people's plans. However, Anger Sneaks lose track of their own wants and needs. They don't know what to do with their own lives and that leads to boredom, frustration, and unsatisfying relationships.

Paranoid Anger:
This type of anger occurs when someone feels irrationally threatened by others. They seek aggression everywhere. They believe people want to take what is theirs. They expect others will attack them physically or verbally. Because of this belief, they spend much time jealously guarding and defending what they think is theirs - the love of a partner (real or imagined), their money, or their valuables. People with Paranoid anger give their anger away. They think everybody else is angry instead of acknowledging their own rage. They have found a way to get angry without guilt. Their anger is disguised as self-protection. It's exspensive though. They are insecure and trust no one. They have poor judgment because they confuse their own feelings with those of others. They see their own anger in the eyes and words of their friends, mates, and co-workers. This leaves them (and everyone around them) confused.

Sudden Anger:
People with sudden anger are like thunderstorms on a summer day. They zoom in from nowhere, blast everything in sight, and then vanish. Sometimes it's only lightning and thunder, a big show that soon blows away. but often people get hurt, homes are broken up, and things are damaged that will take a long time to repair. Sudden Anger people gain a surge of power. They release all their feelings, so they feel good or relieved. Loss of control is a major problem with sudden anger. They can be a danger to themselves and others. They may get violent. They say and do things they later regret, but by then it's too late to take them back.

Shame-Based Anger:
People who need a lot of attention or are very sensitive to criticism often develop this style of anger. The slightest criticism sets off their own shame. Unfortunately, they don't like themselves very much. They feel worthless, not good enough, broken, unloveable. So, when someone ignores them or says something negative, they take it as proof that the other person dislikes them as much as they dislike themselves. But that makes them really angry, so they lash out. They think, "You made me feel awful, so I'm going to hurt you back." They get rid of their shame by blaming, criticizing, and ridiculing others. Their anger helps them get revenge against anybody they think shamed them. They avoid their own feelings of inadequacy by shaming others.
Raging against others to hide shame doesn't work very well. They usually end up attacking the people they love. They continue to be oversensitive to insults because of their poor self-image. Their anger and loss of control only makes them feel worse about themselves.

Deliberate Anger:
This anger is planned. People who use this anger usually know what they are doing. They aren't really emotional about their anger, at least not at first. They like controlling others, and the best way they've discovered to do that is with anger and, sometimes, violence. Power and control are what people gain from deliberate anger. Their goal is to get what they want by threatening or overpowering others. This may work for a while, but this usually breaks down in the long run. People don't like to be bullied and eventually they figure out ways to escape or get back at the bully.

Addictive Anger:
Some people want or need the strong feelings that come with anger. They like the intensity even if they don't like the trouble their anger causes them. Their anger is much more than a bad habit - it provides emotional excitement. It isn't fun, but it's powerful. These pepople look forward to the anger "rush," and the emotional "high." Anger addicts gain a sense of intensity and emotional power when they explode. They feel alive and full of energy. Addictions are inevitably painful and damaging. This addiction is no exception. They don't learn other ways to feel good, so they become dependent upon their anger. They pick fights just to get high on anger. And, since they need intensity, their anger takes on an all-or-nothing pattern that creates more problems than it solves.

Habitual Anger:
Anger can become a bad habit. Habitually angry people find themselves getting angry often, usually about small things that don't bother others. They wake up grumpy. They go through the day looking for fights. They look for the worst in everything and everybody. They usually go to bed angry about something. They might even have angry dreams. Their angry thoughts set them up for more and more arguments. They can't seem to quit being angry, even though they are unhappy. Habitually angry people gain predictibility. They always know what they feel. Life may be lousy but it is known, safe, and steady. However, they get trapped in their anger and it runs their lives. They can't get close to the people they love because their anger keeps them away.

Moral Anger:
Some people think they have a right to be angry when others have broken a rule. That makes the offenders bad, evil, wicked, sinful. They have to be scolded, maybe punished. People with this anger style feel outraged about what bad people are doing. They say they have a right to defend their "beliefs." They claim moral superiority. They gain the sense that anger is for a good cause. They don't feel guilty when they get angry because of this. They often feel superior to others even in their anger. These people suffer from black-and-white thinking, which means they see the world too simply. They fail to understand people who are different from themselves. They often have rigid ways of thinking and doing things. Another problem with this anger style is crusading - attacking every problem or difference of opinion with moral anger when compromise or understanding might be better.

Hate:
Hate is a hardened anger. It is a nasty anger style that happens when someone decides that at least one other person is totally evil or bad. Forgiving the other person seems impossible. Instead, the hater vows to despise the offender. Hate starts as anger that doesn't get resovled. Then it becomes resentment, and then a true hatred that can go on indefinitely. Haters often think about the ways they can punisih the OFFENDER and they sometimes act on those ideas. These people feel they are innocent victims. They create a world of enemies to fight, and they attack them with great vigor and enthusiasm. However, this hatred causes serious damage over time. Haters can't let go or get on with life. They become bitter and frustrated and their lives become mean, small and narrow.

Anger is a tricky emotion, difficult to use well until you learn how. It is a real help though, as long as you don't get trapped in any of the anger styles aforementioned. People who use anger well have a healthy or "normal" relationship with their anger. They think of anger in the following characteristic ways:

Anger is a normal part of life
Anger is an accurate signal of real problems in a person's life
Angry actions are screened carefully; you needn't automatically get angry just because you could
Anger is expressed in moderation so there is no loss of control
The goal is to solve the problems, not just to express anger
Anger is clearly stated in ways that others can understand
Anger is temporary. It can be relinquished once an issue is resolved
When you practice good anger skills, you never need to use your anger as an excuse. You can take responsibility for what you say and do, even when you are mad.

The more you know about your personal anger style(s), the more control you will have over your life. You can learn to let go of excessive anger and resentment.

http://bioethicsdiscussion.blogspot.com/...

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob...

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/

http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/p...

http://goliath.ecnext.com/coms2/gi_0199-...

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob...

http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/abs...

http://www.aans.org/library/article.aspx...

http://www.springerlink.com/content/xrt6...
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I want to always be considerate of others. I also want that same type of consideration and respect. To love others as I now love myself. Somehow our lives get derailed by situations we have no control over. These occurances deviate the healthy course of learning to live life. If unattended they manifest themselves in ways that not only puzzle us they confound others. It makes life hard or debilitating. Granted, it was a very real task for me, learning to love myself, learning where my fear came from and how that translated into fear and fear of anger.

It's like exploring some unknown world. Looking inside at oneself. Learning how to become authentic to oneself, learning to live in a whole new way, which is wholesome, healthy and good not just for me but for others. I will now fight my fear and press the mouse to click on the "Submit" button to post this. Another step in confronting my fear and the anger. Love, Pam

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Marissa's picture
Member since:
7 February 2005
Last activity:
5 years 26 weeks

Yes there certainly are appropriate anger times. Maintaining healthy boundaries for self respect are very important.

Very courageous of you to post. I admire that. Great article.

hugs

marissa

plw12752anderson's picture
Member since:
1 May 2004
Last activity:
6 years 22 weeks

Thanks to Kat here is a link to an article she posted today! (synchronicity again)
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19172819
and here
Anger Fuels Better Decisions
By Melinda Wenner, Special to LiveScience
posted: 11 June 2007 08:01 am ET
http://www.livescience.com/health/070611...

At the Live Science dot com website there are more articles regarding anger research.

Anger is Good For You
By Robin Lloyd, Special to LiveScience
http://www.livescience.com/health/051103...
posted: 03 November 2005 09:09 am ET

Study: Some People Love to Provoke Anger
By Robert Preidt, HealthDay Reporter
posted: 01 April 2007 02:57 pm ET
http://www.livescience.com/healthday/603...
-----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.

sjaoar's picture
Member since:
12 February 2007
Last activity:
25 weeks 5 days

Did I just read about myself? This was really an eyeopener. Thanks a lot. I understand I have to be more angry.

plw12752anderson's picture
Member since:
1 May 2004
Last activity:
6 years 22 weeks

Dear sjaoar, Everyone gets angry. It's what you do after you get angry that makes things complicated. It's those decisions made while in anger that can make or break us. All the more reason to get to know oneself long before there is some kind of encounter with anger. Using wisdom to guide us through those trecherous moments. Take care, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.

earthling's picture
Member since:
22 November 2004
Last activity:
3 hours 39 min

It is probably wise to realize when you ar angry, when you are afraid, when you are sad. And then know why you make decisions.

If you are afraid, there are often good reasons to run, or just to walk away. Walking away can be very painful, very costly. Consider victims like Jewish people who walked away from Germany, their home country, in the late 1930s. They were both afraid and angry I am sure, and they had good reason for both.

Simpler things, when it is right to be angry with your boss? When is it right to let the boss know that you will be angry if the boss goes one step further?

Anger is not just an emotion, it is also a message. It can tell someone, "this far, and no more". That can even too late, you may have to show anger earlier - to tell them to slow down.

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A day for firm decisions. Or is it?

plw12752anderson's picture
Member since:
1 May 2004
Last activity:
6 years 22 weeks

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trail_of_Tears

Dear earthling, I do understand. The analogy of the German Jews reminds me of the forced removal of the Cherokee from their tribal lands. My people hid and went into the remote hinterlands of the Great Smoky Mountains. But, it was never the same.

Anger can be a tool of good or of death. Love, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.

Richard's picture
Member since:
1 May 2004
Last activity:
3 weeks 1 day

One question is to know if it is the anger using us or if we have the ability to creatively use a negative energy.

In that sense, anger can be used to break some experimental conditions of our lives but if so, if it is to be creative, it cannot be destructive.

Otherwise, anger possesses us and we become it, totally blind to consequences.

sjaoar's picture
Member since:
12 February 2007
Last activity:
25 weeks 5 days

When I read these wise words, I feel somehow misplaced. Just like an elephant among porselein painters. My mind is not so fine tuned with the universe. But as I live, I learn.

Confused but hanging in.

plw12752anderson's picture
Member since:
1 May 2004
Last activity:
6 years 22 weeks

What is Anger?
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.p...
Click on the next section at the end of the article at the bottom, it will carry you through to the next section and the many that are after that one.

-----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.