Contain Fear
Posted by plw12752anderson at 05:28, 25 May 2007Like tearing an article right out of a newspaper, I snatched the conversation through a cut and paste. It was the one with Richard and Dustincole, they were talking about containing fear. That day I wanted to save that scrap of conversation. So I did. I wanted to contain my fear. Not realizing that fate had a tidy suprise for me.
I met Heartsguy in town, he was going to buy me dinner. How nice, I had looked forward to getting out. I had to take back the movie that I had rented anyway. The one I had posted about. The priest who had molested the hundreds of children and got away free, living a life in Ireland of no consequence, quietly in retirement soon to be supplemented by a fat annuity. As if he had done not a thing wrong. It was chilling to see how he saw himself. It was sickening to view how he has caused so much pain and anquish. Not just to the victims, their families also.
The day was warm and the restaurant was not yet full. That was good. We would be seated quickly and would not have to stand for a long time. I tried something different, it was good and I enjoyed it. We had a nice meal. We chatted and people watched. We paid our bill and left.
Heartsguy was in the little car so he headed to it. I walked towards my car. Then I saw them. Together. Like spectres, ghosts of my past. Why here and why now? Oh, yes ... contain your fear. Here is the test. It was synchronicity bitch slapping the hell out of me. My demons, walking amongst us in the here and now and in the flesh. But these creeps were very real. Not imagined. I was an old lady, but again felt like seven years old. Seeing the man who was my pedophile, the man who had suffocated me to death. The one who denied ever doing anything to me for those ten years. My sister and her husband.
My heart was in my throat, panic was overtaking me. I held my head up and continued walking on to my car. He was now fat, his pot gut parenthesised by the straps of his suspenders, flat top and long beard. She was no longer black haired but silver haired. Both looked haggard, wrinkled and old. The look on my face must have alarmed Heartsguy and he shouted out across the parking lot "What's wrong?" I fumbled with my keys, I dropped them, I kneeled down to pick them up and motioned for him to come to me, staying low in hiding between the parked cars.
"It's them." I whispered, crouched over, hiding from their line of sight. "Them ... who?" he said walking quickly up to me and looking around. I told him. He said, "Just get in your car and leave. Don't look back. Go on and drop off the video and I'll meet you back at the house." I did. But the brief meeting had an effect on me. Meeting my quasi murderer and his accomplise, the abusers, not so good.
Contain my fear, observe it, see it as a mere flooding of the brain of chemicals. Flight or fight response. The containment was a complete failure. I had not responded with cool detachment. I was immediately swept up, hell no, engulfed! Then afterward beating myself up for not being calm and contained.
I didn't sleep at all last night. My body was still in a high vibratory rate. I could have mopped the floors, vacuumed the whole house and washed the car I had so much nervous energy. At least now I know what it is, for most of my life I didn't understand the reactions.
When Heartsguy awoke, I had already made coffee, was drinking my first cup out of his favorite giant oversized mug. "Where's mine?" He staggered in not quite awake. "Over there, I'm needing the big mug this morning." I quipped. He shuffled to the coffee maker and asked, "What happened, did you forget to go to bed last night?"
"Yes, something like that." I muttered, and wanted to expunge this pent up feeling.
"They can't hurt you anymore, like you said last night, they have already taken everything and there is nothing left to harrass you about. I'm not going to let you sit here in a stew about this. Go on to bed." he stated flatly.
"Then I will, I didn't do very well in containing my fear. I'm a failure there that's for sure." I stated wryly, sighed and then slumped into the sofa. Then I shot back, "It's something I would like to no longer be held in control of. I have these wonderful, good days and then the rug just gets jerked out from under me. I need to shore up my fragile baricades, their just shot to pieces at the moment." I was pleading to him but in reality asking myself if I could ever get over this. Knowing full well it was as much a part of me as anything. "You probabaly ... won't see them again ... for a long long time." he said through sips.
"Let's hope not." I said, getting sleepy, yawning and looking at the bright sun flooding in. I sauntered off to the bedroom and did sleep, but not well. In my dreams I was running and fighting. Woke up many times in a sweat. Finally, after about tossing and turning for six hours, just got up and stayed up. The day was far too pretty to waste it in bed.
Bookmark/Search this post with
- plw12752anderson's blog
- Login or register to post comments
Comments
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
So I'll say this first.Your writing is pure,beautiful,heart-rending, there is not a spare word, and I bet you wrote it in a minute.
It is OK for people to tell you to contain your fear, but a childish fear is great.The adults have all the power.By doing what he did to you that man took what little control you had over your life.
When you grow up the fear is still that of a child in relation to that incident.
How can you control something which over-whelmed your young life for so long.
As a young mother out with my children one day I spottted walking up the footpath the much hated mother superior and nun from my childhood.
I quickly scooted the children into a shop so they wouldn't see me.
You have confronted your fear by writing it here for the world to see, and I can tell you that people who come here to read your blog will despise that grub for what he did to you.
I am so sorry I cannot be there for you to comfort you, another friend with a childhood destroyed by an alien fiend.
You cannot confront that person so don't try.It will only hurt you and have no effect on him.Get your revenge by sending your story to a website or paper that deals in this stuff so that people other than us can read your story.And by being happy and fulfilled in your life.
There is no comfort to offer in this situation only that we love you as an integral part of TDG,and we are all here for you whenever you want us to be.
Please let us know you are OK.
Love and hugs and blessings to our dear US sister,
shadows
1 May 2004
1 year 15 weeks
Not controlling the fear Shadow but containing it.
Not containing for the purpose of going on the war path but to make it into an energy that serves.
Indeed, Pam's writing has quality enough to deserve being on the shelves of bookstores and libraries.
Instead of comfort, I would offer that fear is a psychic attack, not an emotion.
Fear like emotions must be contained rather than controlled like so many have said before.
Trying to control your emotions or your fear will only lead to an internal conflict while containing them means not allowing them to enter the mental realm, even if the physical is affected. It means not identifying to them rather than trying to make them ours.
Perhaps my words are not clear enough.
1 May 2004
2 days 4 hours
it's not about revenge, payback, make their lives as bad as mine was. It's about forgiveness. You have suffered a great injustice, no doubt, but to dwell on it as a means for other injustices will only continue the negative pararity of your self.
look at it this way: you are not your body, so injustice done to your body can be forgiven. Your spirit may be disappointed but not hurt. These people who do these things a tormented inside as well. You, i'm sure, are greater then them. You respect the world and have an understanding of greater things. Therefore you need not fear the pyhsical assult. The memories that flood back at the site of the perp. is understandable from a victims veiw point. But you are NOT a victim. People do bad things because they know no better. YOU know better. Therefore you have control of your feelings and self. I'm not sugesting you brush aside this. But I am sugesting that to overcome it you must feel inside and imagine you have foregiven them and moved on. Freedom comes from having no shackles.
I was molested at 7 and then 9 and then 12, but I understand enough of the universe now to see how this was done. I forgive them and have NEVER spoken of it. EG: it's like your child does something totally silly that harms something, you forgive them because they know no better.
We are all part of a world that teaches nothing, religion is all a lie and the goverments lie to us all the time. So is it no wonder that the greater majority are confused and helpless. If we brought up our kids in the same manner as the higher authorities treat each of us, then they would be somewhat wayward.
I don't condone malicious behavior at all, but I do know why people are sick. For this I forgive them because they know no better.
The experiences we suffer can only give us a better insite to change the source of the behavior.
Think of it as a learning curve that has given you a true insight into something and a means of being able to understand better to enable a change.
But you must forgive and have NO fear. FEAR is the tool that will destroy you.
They may hurt your body but CANNOT hurt your soul!
PS. excuse any errors as I can't preveiw my comment, only post it.
Thanks Pam....my heart goes out to you!
"While contemplating on their life, anyone who says they have no regrets and would do it all the same again, have not learn't anything."
LRF.
1 May 2004
1 year 15 weeks
But I would rather forget.
Not forget in the sense that you hide it in the depth of your unconscious but the containment that I spoke of transmutes the energy of the experience into a mental energy by taking it away from the soul's memorial energy.
As to forgive them, well they can just go fuck themselves. I don't have the spiritual energy to give them the other side of the stick.
If we are to suffer this experience, it may be suffered consciously for the benefit of the egoified spirit or for the benefit of the soul's craving for experimental stimuli.
Screw the soul too.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
I used to believe all the Christian ethics as I was raised in them but once I learned to think for myself I changed my ideas.
Forgive?
How can you forgive this?
Forgiveness may be appropriate in cases of sincere remorse.But there is no remorse here.
And to say that these people do not know what they are doing is rather Christ-like, don't you think?
After all, this grub who molested Pam thought about it,planned it, arranged it, carried it out, and gloated about it as he planned the next time he would assault her.
It is totally UNLIKE your child doing something wrong and they don't know any better and you so you forgive them.
These people survive in a community as adults, some are professional people, most are in positions of power,they hold driver's licences and make important decisions each and every day.They are usually married and have children and belong to churches.
Don't know what they are doing???
Tell that to Daniel Morecombe's mother with her eyes nearly clawed out of her face with weeping over the loss of her son snatched from the street by pedophiles a few years back.
Floppy, I do know this, that you are hurt, that you have been deeply hurt and you have suffered over it and continue to suffer whether you deny it or not.
The little boy in you who was molested had to come up with a way to cope with that terrible transgression upon your body and mind and spirit.
And so you came up with the only one you knew, to base it on the religious figure that even though you denied him, was the foremost figure of love in your life that you could see.
And in that case, thank god for religion.
And it worked for you.As it has worked for many others.But it is not the way to heal yourself.
Because by saying that they did not know what they were doing is denying the experiences you suffered.It is putting them in the too-hard basket,and by not speaking about it for all these years, it is denying them over again.
It is the hardest and saddest fact of life to cope with in my opinion that adults will abuse children for their own pleasure.
But however we deal with it we must not ever for one minute deny the filth and degradation of it.
You have struggled alone for a long time floppy, as men do.Women are more able to talk about these things and do so.Men very often suffer in silence and nothing is ever done.
I believe that part of your healing would be to admit that you were badly dealt with and try and nurture that little lost boy who suffered so badly.
shadows
1 May 2004
2 days 4 hours
in my case I can forgive. These were not mature adults as such. Forgiveness is not the soul property of religion.
When I was 15 I watched a child die in a silo, unable to help. This haunted me for years. Then in my teens I hung out with people that gradually became dependent on drugs. I never did but was there to pick up the peices. Then the deaths of them.
I rescued a girl once that was about to be gang raped, she fled and I was kicked around the ground like a football and left in the gutter.
Ive had a 45 magnum held firmly between the eyes for 10 minutes.
All these things and more I will not go into have given me a resilience and a certain understanding that given a society based on truth and understanding, these things would probably not happen.
One can choose to dwell on the past misfortunes, or one can scrape the positive out of them and move on to make a better life for yourself and people around you.
"While contemplating on their life, anyone who says they have no regrets and would do it all the same again, have not learn't anything."
LRF.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
You are a champion! YOu don't blame the bad things that happened to you and use them to be bitter and cynical.
You are like me I think....I am grateful for my experiences because as I have learnt from them, they have made me the person I am today.And I have no trouble with the person I am today.
You are brave and strong and enduring and will continue to endure because you have seen the worst and come through it to be who you are now.
shadows
10 August 2004
4 hours 48 min
Dear Pam. I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. It can be very hard, if not impossible, to erase very painful memories and although it is said that you have to forgive, I'm not sure that this is always possible.
But look at it this way - you say you haven't conquered fear - but you had the guts to post your story, and I can only admire you for that. To me it says you are not letting the fear control you.
Also, you are a kind person, at least that how you always seem to me from reading your posts, always willing and ready to help others. Your experiences could have left you as a bitter, vengeful person, but you have risen above that, again showing that you are not letting that fear control you. So, I think you have conquered it.
I wrote all this once and tried to preview it but it all vanished and I had to start again, so this time I'll just post it and hope it makes the sense I intended that it should!
We are always all here for you, Pam.
With love, Kathrinn
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
I have tried to post a reply twice but they disappear. The words start evaporating as I type them. I will try once again. Greg should be notified of this problem, it's hard to remember what I just typed. -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
1 year 15 weeks
Try typing your messages in a text editor instead.
If something goes wrong when you post, you still got it.
Very nicely written text there Pam.
When I was talking about containing fear and containing emotions, I was not suggesting they should be controlled. I am suggesting quite the contrary, and that is that they should be allowed to flow but not allowed to assail the mental body.
Also,
You may have noticed that when you set yourself up for an experience mentally, often by issuing a verbal challenge such as:
"If this or that happened, I would do this or that"
or
"If this or that happened, I would not be affected"
or again
"I am never sick, I am always in a good mood"
and so on.
You may have noticed then that when these 'challenges' are issued forth, we tend to knock on wood because we psychically know that a test will follow. That the source will seek to see if indeed it is so and if we can contain, as we say, the energy of the experience. Because indeed, there is no such thing as luck and synchronicity is a measure of the extraordinary ballet of the source that wants one thing and one thing only, that we increase our ability to contain so that we can one day contain it, contain what we really are outside of the experimental form.
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
I fooled myself Richard. I thought I was over the fear but I'm not. I can observe how it affected me, now at present, I am over that particular incident.
Before, say ten or twenty years ago, it would have laid me low for a long time, not just a day but years. That is the power of the incidents it has on the physical body.
I take my power back from it's hold over me by living right now, in the present. I stumbled, yes, but I didn't fall down into the cycle of despair and anguish that can grasp one to the point of doing nothing.
That is the power of recovery, the holy grail of those who have been in the formidable relentless grip of evil.
That it can be thrown off, that there is a way out. That is the great force of love. It is a mighty thing. It is a refining force. It changes the forlorn to hope and into doing the chore of the living of life to actually step up to enlightenment.
I understood the difference of the words control being far apart from contain. That is the refinement, containing it. Transmutation, if you will, of the will.
Am I getting anywhere close to the concepts of the teachings?
Thanks Richard for the reply, noting how I written my blog, and the advice on the text editor also.
Love, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
1 year 15 weeks
I did not do what I suggested you to do and now my reply is gone in lala land.
I will get back to you on this but briefly, yes you are right, it appears easier said than done but only because we have not realized that we are light and not matter simply.
I understood the difference of the words control being far apart from contain. That is the refinement, containing it. Transmutation, if you will, of the will.
You are quite right.
Just so you know, I am not teaching Pam, I am just saying things the way I see them. Nobody should believe, it is only in one's own experience that answers are available, one is his own proof.
And may I add that you already were able to observe how it affected you. You do not appear to have succombed to histeria. You are already more lucid. You do not give yourself the credit you deserve Pam. You just made one more step towards yourself.
One step at a time, there is no other way.
1 May 2004
1 year 15 weeks
Looks like the preview comment function likes to flush text.
29 March 2007
4 years 1 week
Yes, when I hit "preview comment" the comment disappears and I get thrown to the dailygrail homepage. I just tried again to check. It has been like this for a few days.
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
No more hitting the 'Preview comment' just the 'Post comment' one. I was just reading on another thread that Colette has had the same problem, so your right it has been going on now for more than just many days. Whoever has the know how to fix this, we would all be most grateful. (Sending good thoughts to the wise code fixers! ;-D )
Love, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
Dear shadows, floppy and Kathrinn,
Thank you for the wonderful replies, the great advice, the care and most importantly the love. Good friends come in when all others go out.
I forgave the perpetrators many years years ago. I had to for my own peace of mind. It was when they started in on my own children that the fierceness in me came out. It's one thing to perpetrate a crime upon me but to my children? They would have to do it over my bloody near dead body. And that was exactly what happened. It had to stop somewhere. I told and kept telling. Difficult? It's like like being reinjured all over again. The disbelief, the snide comments, the jeers, the sneers. It takes a couragous soul to take them on. It's a fight I wish on no one.
It's got to stop, this cycle of abuse. On the movie "Deliver Us From Evil" the victims sought redress and the expensive journey to the Pope was no small matter. Appointments made, all was set to go and they were then refused at the last moment. Soul crushing for them. I understood that place where they were in their healing.
Pedophiles are insidious to humanity. They never stop, they are clever, sly, maniacle, angry, self serving, determined, perverted, wicked, hateful, decietful, manipulative, devious, underhanded, warped deviants. They see it as their calling to do what they do. They lie to others as glibly as they lie to themselves. Their self rightousness is appalling. It's a kind of narcisscism of evil.
It is a scourge upon the whole of humanity. It's been with us always and it never stops. Some victims wallow in their victimhood, in a maze of self doubt, anguish, anger at the perp and society for not doing anything about something society turns a blind eye to. I've been there too, an awful place it is. It is a place of crushing depression.
Even when the perps are caught red handed, the punishment fails to meet the travesty of the crime. They are let go, lightly punished by out dated laws, pay their way out, get probation and the system, overwhelmed by so many other crimes, let's it fall to the wayside. Hopes are dashed for reform. The laws do not address this heinous mental disease that permeates every strata of humanity.
Maybe that is exactly why I was put back into my cold dead body, not to be allowed to go into the light. That this was a battle I had to fight to the end. That it was my purpose, to shed light into a dark subject no one wants to look at. Because it's there, right now millions suffer. Families are torn apart, suicides from the inability to go on with the mental anguish and shame. The spirits of decent, good, intelligent, kind, careing and loving children are destroyed. Only the shell of their former selves remain.
It is a disease that must be stopped and the cycle of despair adressed for the victims and their families.
Revenge is not helpful, nor is increasing of hate. The pedophiles bite the hand that feeds it. They are far gone and must be removed from their objective. That is the only way to keep them at bay.
Our children are our greatest hope. We as respondsible adults must face this head on. Not cower in the presence of such pervasive perversion, such insidious evil. A task that is not for the faint of heart, but for the courageous who are just as strong and just as determined as the pedophiles.
The cost is staggering, it runs into the billions world wide. The remedial care for the perps and for the victims. Some people say, "Well, it does not affect me." They are wrong, because it does, they simply are not aware of the cost they pay.
This is just one front in the battle for enlightenment. As I have said before, I have forgiven but I do not forget. It would serve no one for me to forget, the perps are counting on the forgetting, those who turn a blind eye are just as guilty as those who commit the crimes themselves.
That is what history is about, to learn from it. Idiots that we are, we just do it all over again. When will we learn? At what point will the suffering get to such a level that the cycle of perversion is broken? It could happen to your child, it could happen to your friend's child, it could have happened to you.
The honor of survival is thriving despite the slings and arrows of the onslaught of those with evil intent. My humble gratitude for those who have fought the good fight, gone on to lead productive lives. I have the most admiration for them. These are the true heros.
Thank you again shadows, floppy and Kathrinn, your words of loving encouragement meant the world to me. Sending many long distance hugs to each of you. Your friend always. Love, Pam
-----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
I made a clear distinction immediately, not to react to their presence, in other words, I walked on and didn't wave or walk over to greet and meet with them.
To an outside observer they would have seen: me leaving the restaurant, seeing a couple approaching the said establishment, me having a glance towards their way, me never breaking stride, walking to my car, dropping my keys, kneeling down and remaining down as my husband came over, us speaking a few words to one another, me entering my vehicle and driving away.
The action I chose was to not be a target (again) of their derisive comments as that was one of their many ploys. I could have used the tactic that I had always used, that of showing them love and mercy but knew that had never worked with them. I took the "Get the hell outta there" tactic.
Save myself at all cost, my peace of mind had been hard won, why give them the chance to trample upon that? I had tried the compassionate love and forgiveness routine many, many times with them. It did not work, no matter how hard I tried, they laughed because they knew full well they had gotten away with so much.
Their way is just that. It's narcissistic, warped and deviated to nothing recognizable as good. They are Christian Fundamentalists. Says a lot about them does it not? That was why I had to leave that church, it made no sense to me. I could no longer live a lie. I had to take a stand for me, my children, my life and theirs.
Their words following me upon my departure that I was damned. Swallowing that huge lump in my throat and turning on my heel and staring them directly in their eyes and saying, "Beware of your beliefs."
It is a duplicitous stand that the Christian Fundamentalists take, do as I say not as I do, is their belief.
Well, pretty much for any of the fundamentalists regardless of their religious beliefs it's a perversion of the tenants I suppose.
I'm big on doing unto others as I would like to be treated. Common decency, honoring others as self? That we are in this all together. Regardless of how bad one is treated that one has a choice to NOT choose the evil way. That eye for an eye approach, it sucks a big time!
I understand the dominoe effect of the actions of others be they for good or for evil, there is always and outcome of product from each standpoint.
As for the perpetrators they will continue on, they have not risen above their base egoic selfish needs. They have mired themselves into a quaqmire of filthy unsatisfied desires in search of the true and all abiding place of the most noble of places, real love.
Real love is everlasting, it is pure and it is light and it is finer than anything they can imagine. It is beyond their dreams, their ability to concieve. Their excitement is not the same kind of excitement I have for and in my life.
The ego is selfish to an extreme, setting it aside and seeing beyond the base needs of breathing of clean air, nourishment of the body with clean water and food, clothing for the covering of the body from the elements and shelter from them. Once you go past that it is enrichment of experience. These events that occur to us are there for a purpose. To reach a new level.
We are not just our bodies. We are something far more. OK, my rant is over! Love, Pam
-----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
It is in need of a look see. And what is up with the deal where if I mispell something and go back to correct it, it starts eating up the text? Arrrrrgh! I'm tired of typing and trying to remember things. Hey Greg, yoo hoo, there seems to be something amiss here in the TDG posting world. No preview this time, just straight on to posting it. -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
and I have been blaming Vista.Actually one comment I made over a week ago started off blaming Vista.
At least now I know what it is.
shadows
10 August 2004
4 hours 48 min
Check your keyboard to see if you have accidentally put it into 'overtype' mode by pressing the 'insert' key at some time by mistake when you reached for the 'delete' key. If you have, a notation should appear on your lower tool bar. To fix the problem hit the 'insert' key again and it will override it. Just a thought.
Love, Kathrinn
16 August 2006
2 days 12 hours
I did not have a childhood experience like yours but did have some very negative experiences and these stayed with me for many years, distorting me and my life.
Getting somewhat re-involved with one person -- another player in my personal dramatic creation -- brought old feelings to the surface for the first time in many years and this materialized as a very intense anger.
I focused this on a pillow, a temporary symbolic version of this person, pummelling it to death. This was an impromptu, spontaneous action -- I was following no instructions from a therapy book.
The feelings were released and I began to finally heal; the person was no longer an obsessive center to my life.
I don't know if this would work for anyone else; I just know that it worked for me.
Bill I.
(The preview function no longer works for me, either; I'm running XP-Pro.)
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
Hi Bill, I think the expressing in words through the blog, my thoughts and just putting it out there and no longer trying to hide it, cover it up or delude myself that it had no effect on me was what I needed to do at that moment. Take the power away from it. Defuse it. I understand the pillow pounding, that never really worked for me but I'm glad to hear it did work for you. Thanks for the thought and suggestion. Love, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
http://www.near-death.com/forum/nde/000/...
Now, before anyone gets all upset with me and the last part about reading the H*ly Bible and joining a church. I was doing what I felt, at that very young age, was the right thing for me to do in order to cope with and overcome the events that had occured (and would occur in the future) as there were no avenues for me to investigate.
I would also like to add that I read a great deal, so much so that in my Sophmore year of high school, I won the Carnegie Award, reserved for Seniors. From age twelve on through age seventeen I attended school year round and graduated one year early and with extra credits. No small feat for someone like me.
Not realizing that what happened was a NDE, I (unfortunately for them) lived and that was not what they were counting on. My death would have freed up one less person on the roster of individuals who had a stake in the newly written will my parents had drawn up when my elder sister had recently married in the fall of 1960. She would have full rights in the execution of the will should both my parents die and she would have custodial rights to my younger sister.
These facts related to me (my Aunt Duff - mother's elder sister) would not come until after my mother's death in 2000, that confirmed that the act was of premeditation, at least for me.
This leads to the the kidnapping of my first child and again me nearly getting killed. I have related that story before so I won't bore anyone with it. The Mississippi Highway Patrol would track down and find my infant son three days later. Later, when he was twelve he was nearly drowned in a pool by these same two people who tried to originaly kill me. That was when my parents legally adopted him in case they should go after me again.
They (my parents) then drew up a new revised will signing everything over to my son. This time they told no one but this will, at the time of my mother's death, was never found. It had never been registered in the court house either. At least this is the testimony given by my elder sister who established the rights to the first will.
I swear I must have nine lives.
Then when I reached twentyone, again I was kidnapped (this time by a nonrelated individual, this is commonly referred to as a paid hit) and dumped out of the vehicle going just over 40MPH, in an attempt to throw my body in the Ross Barnett Reservoir. OK, I lived again, walking with just one shoe on, to the marina miles away, where the Rankin County Police were notified.
I had internal hemorraghing and a concussion from the rocks I was dumped on at such a high rate of speed and from being hit in the head/body multiple times prior to being dumped. I played dead, prior to the dumping, I think that was the one and only reason I lived. That man was about six feet tall, weight around 200 lbs. He had straight blond hair and blue eyes, I heard him say he was from Laurel, he drove a black Pontiac with red interior.
All these beatings led to the fact that I was not expected to be able to get pregnant again, hence the miscarriage in another post that I mentioned.
So, I hope that this can convey why I was and am so leery of these people, have a difficult time in trusting people and situations. Why I am so cripplingly shy in new groups of people and have a hard time giving myself a voice of any kind.
I think these behaviors are contrary to what my genuine personlity is. I believe that I'm supposed to be more outgoing and all through school I was a closet clown and would make myself the butt of the joke more often than not.
If anyone thinks this association of individuals are not serious just read any of the recent headlines regarding the remedial efforts to prosecute Klan members. Even to this day the defense attorney claims the facts are vague and everyone should just forget.
-----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
And we hear you loud and clear.
You are a survivor, there's no doubt of that.I hope with all my heart that those filthy grubs who did that to you will one day pay the penalty for it, but I doubt they will.
Bad laws do this to people,and lazy upkeepers of the law don't bother to see that justice has at least a chance of being done.
I saw recently that some Klan members in the south were jailed for murders committed in the sixties.I suppose that should give us some hope that something will be done one day about your case too.
I don't know how you survived the attack on your young body as an 8yr old child.It is incredible that they should do that to you and that you have the physical and mental strength to endure.
But I would like you to know this......women endure.I have no intention of being sexist here, but it is we women who endure.
And you are enduring still, but with the realisation I hope that you are not alone.
You have many friends here at TDG who love you and will support you in this fight against this assault on you.
Joining a church was what you needed to do at that time to help you through the trauma you suffered.
What a sister you have.That in itself is bad enough.
I am in awe of your courage and I will tell you that over and over until you can say that yourself, that you are a brave strong woman.
All of us in Oz are sending you our love and blessings.And thank you for sharing that ordeal with us.
shadows
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
Dear shadows, Have you ever seen or used a pressure cooker?
I suppose my experiences (tough stringy meat)
have been stewing, like in a pressure cooker (extraordinary stresses),
and over the cooking time (my life)
some of the steam in the pressure cooker was released (bits of information revealed)
the end product is set off the stove (me not in or during the throes of abuse but still suffering from it)
the pressure decompresses (me learning to cope with it, mind and body and spirit)
until finally it cools enough (me coming to the epiphany that I can't hide the facts)
one can remove the pressure valve and release the remaining steam (my writing or speaking of the incidents) then the stewed meat is turned out in a serving platter tender, juicy and succulent with a nice brown gravy to pour over (me now in my present phase of life)
and it is good, hot or cold, with or without bread or chopped up and made into something else (me with or without good, loving friends and family until I die and turn to dust)
how is that for an analogy!
I swear, it's always about me cooking ... Love, Pam LOL!!! -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
Pam, I am here now asking you for an invitation to the opening night of your movie when it is made with Angelina Jolie playing you.
shadows
29 March 2007
4 years 1 week
Wow.
I would be interested in hearing the story as I was offline for quite some months in 2005-06 due to the lack of a computer and internet access (and thus seem to have missed the post). If you don't feel like retelling the stories, could you perhaps point to where you originally wrote the story as I would be eager to read it.
Your life experiences are astounding. I feel privileged to be able to read these stories. I reckon they could make a movie based on your life. You might want to consider penning your autobiography.
Sincerely
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
I thought you were proselytising in the Congo.Or so Greg told us anyway.
Yes I agree, Pam should write her story and she should get Angelina Jolie to play her in the movie that will follow.
shadows
29 March 2007
4 years 1 week
Strange that you should mention that.
In my job I have the privilege of working with some amazing people. Today I interviewed two Sudanese who had been living in Ugandan refugee camps for the past several years. I have also recently met a few folk from the Congo. I doubt it will be too long before 'Afro-Australians' becomes a common descriptive phrase of ethnicity here. I love multiculturalism !
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
Look at what happened in Toowoomba.
I welcomed a Sudanese familiy here one day in the supermarket and they looked like they were shell-shocked.
I believe they moved off the peninsula.
When you interview more Afro-Aussies A2, give them my love and tell them there is an old sheila here who welcomes them with open arms.
They still have a long long way to go.
shadows
1 May 2004
2 days 4 hours
I took my mum to Toowoomba taday for a ultra sound on her heart. When leaving turned into west st. and pasted a Sudanisese walking down the street. I said to mum" geez those Sudanese are dark". I mean they are really dark. I think this is the core of the problem. Country folk, and I mean most are country folk in Toowoomba, are very accepting of people. But when you put someone who looks soooooo different in front of them, they re-coil. So it's a matter of getting used to the looks and then all will be fine. Many years ago when I first went to Arnhem Land, I had to get my head around the appearance of purple black people. Once I was used to the visual it was easy to work and live with them. It was a simple matter of mind training to neutralise the difference in appearance. We are all people the same but we feel our comfort zone threatened when change comes in. Kids brought up in a many coloured society would not even blink an eye at any difference. Luckily these days kids are wittness to many cultures and colours all the time so they are more accepting.
Maybe this is why prejudice has moved to religion more so the colour these days......just a thought.....
"Life can be whatever you want it to be, as long as you do what your told."
LRF.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
The family I saw here was velvety black, beautiful really.I stroked the woman's arm and told her how beautiful she was but she was alarmed by me.I shouldn't have done it.
There is a lot of opposition to them in Oz unfortunately.Not only in Toowoomba.
They are really doing it tough, poor souls.
shadows
1 May 2004
2 days 4 hours
how many times have we been subject to.....good and bad......light and dark......black and white......!
Thats a lot of pre-programming to desolve...!
"Life can be whatever you want it to be, as long as you do what your told."
LRF.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
That's why we love you.
shadows
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
Floppy, your comments remind me of my favorite picture when I was small, probably two to three years old. It showed a big round earth and every child of every nationality, race, color and etnicity was represented. They were all holding hands and smiling. Love, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
2 days 4 hours
very small children are courious at first, but then play as if there was no difference at all. Parents and society programs racism in to children.
"Life can be whatever you want it to be, as long as you do what your told."
LRF.
10 August 2004
4 hours 48 min
When my daughter was 4 we were travelling in Australia and arrived in Alice Springs. We dutifully went to view the Spring which features in this town's name.
Two little dark kids were down by the Spring and my girl ran off to talk to them. She came back in tears. They wouldn't have anything to do with her - because she was white. She was heartbroken.
Regards, Kathrinn
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
Just a kid really, getting married to a good looking jock, the high school football hero. It was supposed to be the ideal match, most beautiful with most handsome.
Reality sets in quickly with me pregnant and we are susisting on meager day labor pay. I quickly came to the fact that handsome and popular do not equate to intelligent and caring. He had a short temper and hard punch. Then to cover up the facts, my sister and her husband helped us move. The gulf coast was reeling with problems from Hurricane Camille in August of 1969, we arrived just months after.
My husband and I found digs in a $60 dollar a month very old travel trailer. We had running water and electricity. Me with a newborn infant and a husband who spent more time in the strip bars than at work or home.
I sought solace in the only church I was allowed to go to. Just to get in I was put through a series of humiliating experiences. Late night meeting with just the preacher and the deacons. Being held in a windowless room for hours being interrogated mercilessly. Having my baby taken from for hours at a time and not knowing where he was. Being stood in fron of an alter bare naked covered only in a flimsy sheet for their ritual "baptism" during one of their kidnappings. I think this was to see just how far they could go with me, what they could get away with. All this time I was writing letters to my sister, explaining the horrors.
Not understanding there was a link to this church and those men with what had happened in the past to me. The connections were just not apparent to me. This insidious network of guys getting their jollies off of these power and control tactics. They didn't just dislike women, it was a sick thought, "Keep 'em barefoot and pregnant."
The height of the terror tactics came when my parents kept asking questions. Just what kind of church is this? I told them it wasn't like the one I grew up in. They had odd ideas and took teachings of the bible out of context to substaniate their "works" regarding getting the women to obey and comply. It was the classic double standard.
The night they came to interrogate me, they took my son in one car and me in another. It was on the behest of my husband's uncle. He was the leader but not a deacon and not a preacher. In hindsight I would say he was really a snitch and a "wannabe" and if this went off without a hitch it would be a feather in his cap.
They first used the interrogating tactics with the bible in hand and for hours harassed me about not being good enough for them. This was to break the will. Then there was the bringing in of the "big guns" the church leaders. These men had it down to a fine art. The dark room the single light one table me sitting on a folding chair and them pounding their brain washing techniques into me.
Then taking me to the alter, making me strip, them filling up the baptismal with cold water and the dunkings. This went on for hours. Then making me get dressed with no towels to dry off and making walk back home in the dead of night. Getting there to find another contigent fresh faced and raring to take another go. By now I'm numb, my main and only concern being my child, feeding him and getting him ready for bed and just finding a moment of peace. I was near broken spirited. Felt so forlorn and no one was going to believe me.
Tehy upped the ante, they would give me back my son if and only if I admitted to a list of things. I would not do that. They beat me, they held me down and beat me. They threw me down a flight of metal stairs. -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
1 year 15 weeks
Women will have to be freed and they will be.
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
Hi Richard, Thanks for the good thought and it's much appreciated.
Today, here in the U.S. it's Memorial Day. Waht the world at large does not know is that it all started with a group of women in Columbus, Mississippi who wanted to put flowers on the graves of all the young men who had died in Battle at Shiloh (which oddly enough means Peace) those men were buried in Columbus, thousands of them, Union and Confederate.
The women knew how horrible this battle was, the bodies had been brought by rail and dumped on either side of the tracks. The ones who managed to survive the battle either went back into the fray of war or were shipped home limb less or shot up. It didn't matter to these women where the men came from, they knew that each one was someone's son, husband, brother, cousin, neighbor, friend.
So, one year after the surrender of Lee, the women took flowers to the graves of the fallen, both factions, no one was left out. As the years passed the date was moved to late May becuse then many more flowers would be blooming. It stuck, the date was set and now Memorial Day is in honor and respect for all the dead who have been in war or not. Many families designate the long weekend to reunions and outdoor get togethers. Some northern towns claimed the event and got the national recognition from President Johnson. But, in reality it had started in Mississippi.
One of my earliest recollections was being with my father when he went to the War Memorial Building here in Hinds County in the city of Jackson. I didn't understand, when I was so little, why he cried, why he got on his knees to pray. I do now. War is horrible.
Thanks, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
Comment by V. Cleveland
(Excerpt)
All people have four internal functions available to them to use as internal guidance: their ability to think, their emotions, their physical sensations and their intuition.
Controlling people (CPs) have suffered some kind of emotional or physical trauma as children or adults that has caused them, as a defense, to shut down one or more of the first three functions. Oftentimes, the only function they use is their thinking function. This leaves them feeling empty inside. And it's a tough way to live.
For this reason, they are attracted to "four functioning" people. Once they feel secure with another person, they project their idea of a perfect person into the other person. The don't see the person for who she/he really is.
People can tell when they're in the presence of a CP because they will be defined by the CP (for example, "you're not hungry!") as if the CP can know another person's internal reality. They will not be listened to, the conversation will frequently make no sense and the CP will most likely be verbally abusive.
CPs see others much as children see their teddy bears: the perfect friend who knows exactly what the CP is thinking, who never talks backs or disagrees and who has no separate needs of their own.
Controlling People build their sense of sense of self from the outside in--not the inside out as is normal. Their personalities are constructs created by themselves to win the love and admiration they seek. They don't come from a place of deep authenticity. They have no sense of themselves. They need to anchor inside another person. Without that anchor in another, they feel lost and adrift, almost as if they are going to die. That's why the compulsion to control is so strong. That's why their reaction to someone who disagrees with them, or who in anyway doesn't fulfill the teddy bear role, can be so extreme and viscious.
The horrible irony for the Controlling Person is that their behavior pushes away the love and connection they so desperately need.
The horrible reality for victims of Controlling Persons is that they blame themselves, think they are crazy, constantly try to explain themselves to no avail, and think that if they just try harder, all will be well. But it never is.
-----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
10 August 2004
4 hours 48 min
Pam - that is the best and most insightful description I have ever read or heard of about people who must control. It is so very true. And, so very sad. I hope you don't mind but I have copied it so I can show it to others who are in a situation where they are being controlled but don't understand the person who is controlling them, or what they can do to help themselves.
Love, Kathrinn
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
The comments I find by people in articles or on blogs or research I find them and cut them out and paste them in a log for reference. This one was very cogent, compact and informative for those who don't understand and placed it squarely in the realm of dysfunctional behavior.
Which is far more prevalent than people can grasp, they may even be under the influence of one of these characters and be totally unaware of the dynamics of the relationship. Even the narcisscists are unaware of the dynamics that are functioning within their thought processes.
My old tag line was Gain Knowledge and Love Compassionatly. My compassion is nearly gone and most assuredly for these creeps.
Love, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
Pam, I don't believe that the second part of the above is entirely correct.
'Controlling people have suffered some sort of emotional or physical trauma as children or adults, that has caused them,as a defence, to shut down one or more of the first three functions....'
I think that should read.....'SOME controlling people'.
I know controlling people who did not suffer this sort of abuse ever.
It is a furphy that people in the world of psychiatrics have clung to for some time now that all controlling people were abused at one time.
It ain't necessarily so.
(I watch the crime channel a lot :) )
shadows
22 November 2004
2 weeks 12 hours
Indeed Shadow, I agree on this one. There are some people who become agressive because they have been threatened, so they put up strong defenses, and somethings unreasonably strong defenses. Those unreasonably strong defenses are not distinguishable from just agressive offense.
On the other hand there are also some people who are just born assholes, taking advantage whenever they can. As a small example, consider priviledged single children, Never abused, always accustomed to get their way if they shout loud enough.
Not every controlling asshole is innocent.
Sorry for the bad language. I don't mean it for anyone in this debate.
----
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
1 May 2004
2 days 4 hours
is a form of abuse.
How can any of us truely know if someone has been through something that has effected them very deeply.
Never presume to know what people feel or what they have been through to feel this way.
I think Pam is spot on.
People are born inocent. Some may have a predisposed short temper but all this can be overcome with understanding and love. Especially compassion.
"Life can be whatever you want it to be, as long as you do what your told."
LRF.
22 November 2004
2 weeks 12 hours
Well, spoiling children is abuse in the sense that it is bad for the children later. I agree with that.
But I don't believe that spoiling children results in the same fears and agressive defense mechanisms that physical or mental abuse generates.
Sure, spoiling children is not the same as providing compassion and love. And to understand compassion, a child has to understand the opposiong concepts of being in trouble or even pain.
If someone has never, ever, faced any problem, never faced any opposition, never faced any pain - then they can easily become a person without feelings. Such people can be very cruel.
On the other hand, such people, who have never face any problem, can fail miserably when confronted with the first real problme they face. If can be the ruin of their whole life.
[Edit]
Just so people don't misunderstand, I don't mean to say that some people should be found guilty 2 minutes after they are born, or 2 years or 20 years. You can't tell until someone actually does something.
It is just that some violent or abusive people have no excuse in their childhood or prior live, the bad character comes from themselves as opposed to bad treatment by othres.
[/Edit]
----
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
24 June 2004
4 years 35 weeks
Yes floppy they are.
But there are those for whom no amount of compassion, love and understanding can have an effect.
A good example of this is some of the Bali 9.
Genes predispose a person to certain actions, but the person's own desire carries them out.
shadows
1 May 2004
3 years 50 weeks
Your right shadows, seems like some people are just plain mean, power and control freaks, the most heinous. Not one thing made them that way. There are those who should be locked up simply because they are so. Love, Pam -----------------------------Truth is stranger than fiction.
12 February 2007
4 years 35 weeks
I should have contributed a lot sooner but things for me here have me in a tizzy. We had an abrupt jetstream change and barometric changes to boot. I got hit with what's called meniere's syndrome and my middle ear balance function is now out of kilt. I walk like I'm drunk and I am a teatotaller. I saw so much destructive behavior due to alcohol and had to deal with it daily in my clinical work.
Very few folk come in for crisis intervention therapy when the crisis situation initially hits, folk let it fester like a boil until it has to eventually be dealt with. When I get to work with these affected folk, its always far too late to exorcise their demons. The recriminations and after effects take a life of their own, they are part of the victim just like their freckles.
I did reality-cognitve therapy on the Carl Rodgers- Harry Stack Sullivan model and the influence of the I'm OK-You're OK model of Harris. Folk adapt to a whole new set of life-adapting scripts to be able to cope. This traumatization scenario is a consistent theme with folk who have been deep-programmed like Manchurian Candidates. There is a large group of Dr. Green or Greenbaum variety in society responding to triggers of their handlers, and have alters programmed into their psyche, to suppress their past.
What is worse is the even larger group of traumatized folk who have not been systematically programmed, but are victims of pedophiles, alcoholic abusive parents, etc who occasionally encounter their perps and re-live the initial trauma all over again, and have not been able to have these demons exorcised at an early stage. I can't do an over the 'Net transaction discourse type therapy since the cathartic moment has to be elicited, otherwise there is no therapeutic gain. These cathartic moments are often times extremely dramatic and feelings loaded, they have to be monitored, if not the risk for suicidal ideation can arise, and that has to be dealt with on the spot.
Some blame religion for their demons, some bless religion for being able to deal with their demons, its an individual reaction.