Satan Gears Up For End Times Clearance Sale

The Catholic Church has established an exorcist hotline in Milan, its biggest diocese, to cope with demand. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the diocese’s chief exorcist since 1995, said the curia had also appointed twice as many exorcists to cope with a doubling in the number of requests for help over 15 years.

“We get many requests for names, addresses and phone numbers; that’s why we’ve set up a switchboard in the curia from Monday to Friday from 2.30pm to 5pm,” he told the chiesadimilano website.

“People in need can call and will be able to find a priest in the same area who doesn’t have to travel too far.” And to that end, the number of demon-busting priests on call has increased from six to 12.

The Monsignor said he knew of one exorcist who had been seeing up to 120 people a day. “But with so little time per client he was only able to offer a quick blessing. That’s not enough,” he said. ”There should be two to four appointments a day, no more, otherwise it’s too much.”

It’s not clear why the number of suspected possessions has risen so sharply. But Monsignor Mascheroni said that part of the increase might be explained by the rising numbers of parents having difficulty controlling disobedient teenagers.

“Usually the parents call [because they are] concerned about a child who won’t go to school or who’s taking drugs or rebelling. In reality it’s not a demon, but when they’re 18 years old young people don’t want to be told what to do.”

Demons are literally everywhere these days.

It starts with junior refusing to eat his brussel sprouts. Then, later in life, he's blasting death metal, smoking pot & refusing his teachers demands to learn every significant battle of the Civil War. Finally, he sinks into a dark morass of kiddie porn, scrotum tattoos, necrophilia & devil worship.

It's a sad & sorry story, replayed over & over, year after year.

I'm personally saddened by the way the Vatican is apparently downplaying this well traversed road to ruination & Hellfire.

Now, as we sit on the threshold of the invented birthday of an invented God it is made doubly poignant by the approaching END TIMES scenario of the Mayan/Hopi/NewAgersWithDiminishedBrainCells and their December 21st doomsday deadline.

Will the dead walk?

Will Rudolph's nose finally go dark?

Will every soul be compressed & trash compacted into a tiny point of light and then forcefully inserted into the Singularity's hindquarters?

Will every Doomsday Prepper prepping in an undisclosed shipping container in America's heartland have the last laugh hunched over their accumulated supply of Spaghetti-Os as the rest of us are forced to BBQ the forbidden long pig for our last Christmas dinner?

Will Celebrity Ghost Stories actually become believable to anyone other than the most credulous amongst us?

Will Bobo find his Squatch?

Will the aliens rise from their secret base in Mt. Shasta and spirit us all away to a brave new world of intramural rectal probing (there's that pesky Singularity again) & vague spirituality interspersed with even vaguer environmentalism?

Will the Catholic Church admit that all those molesting priests were sanctioned by the Vatican to work on a secret new delivery method for the Communion wafer?

Will Christians admit that there wasn't anyone named Jesus born on December 25th?

Will we finally acknowledge Santa's genuine pedigree and leave him a nice full plate of psychoactive mushrooms instead of all those poorly baked cookies and all those diarrhea inducing gallons of tepid milk?

Only time will tell, my friends.

Only time will tell.